Reasons for committing suicide:
Iíve tried to get help, but the focus seems to be on youth suicide prevention, obviously no one gives a shit about me. In fact, when I was a kid being bashed up and treated like shit by my mother, where was the help or support? Do the government think that people who lived through that are okay now? Do they think the pain goes away? Do they think we donít matter any more?
While statistics show that men aged between 20 and 44 form the largest group of suicides in Australia (25%) and that the number is on the rise (up 44% I think), and that for that age group, suicide is a greater cause of death than road accidents, the focus is still on preventing youth suicide. We seem to be forgotten.
In addition, all (yes all!) of the programs Iíve seen on suicide prevention make some stupid assumptions. Such as, ∑
"There will be some friends or family to pick up the warning signs."
What if there isnít? What if the person is completely alone like I was?
"The person should be concerned about the feelings of those left behind."
Bullshit, once youíre dead youíre dead. Thereís no concern, thereís no nothing. Suicide is a way to escape the pain. Nothing matters anymore. You donít really give a shit for those you leave behind because they were never there for you anyway.
Also, a lot of help or supposed help out there is run by christians. For someone like me who canít relate to religion, that help is just not an option. Talk of jesus and being saved and shit like that just makes people more eager to get it over and done with, because it reminds us of how out of touch with society we are. Help has got to be something we can relate to, and itís not religion, and itís not some hip kids on the television. Itís what we are, and sometimes maybe that means a computer geek type person. I donít have the answers to that.
No one in my life has ever loved me. My mother was quite clear on the point that I had been a Ďmistakeí and that she never intended to have me. Due to her anger and constantly telling me that all men are useless, I have low self esteem, and poor social skills. This hasnít made it easy to attract a partner in life, though I have tried. I have never had an adult relationship, and I believe that if I have not by now, I never will. There is no such thing as life without love, it is just an existence, from day to day. Itís not a life.
There are lots of lonely people out there. Iím sure it is a major cause of depression, and a major cause of suicide. Instead of ignoring this, the power that be should be doing something about it. Possibly a government sponsored meeting point? Maybe even a government run dating service? It is not as stupid as it seems. Iím sure it makes financial sense considering the amount of productivity lost through depression and suicide.
I fit all of the prime suicide categories. I am not of a clearly defined gender (that is I have Klinefelter's), Iím a native, Iím mostly male, Iím a member of a minority group, Iím disassociated from my family, I suffered from child abuse, I have a bad financial position, Iím depressed, I have no friends to speak of, I was a victim of sexual assault and Iím probably mentally deranged.
I have been to see councilors about this all, but they were not helpful. I think that they could not see that one of my prime problems is acute loneliness. A hug would have helped that Iím sure, as I have no human contact other than shaking some oneís hand or the people that bump into me. But I think they thought that would lead to something else, and they stuck by their stinking rules. Iím not fucking stupid. I know that I canít form an emotional relationship with a counselor or doctor, but a hug would have helped I think, to ease my pain.
I guess if some one just cared it could have been different. I made the effort to go through university and get a degree. I donít take drugs, donít smoke and donít drink. Iím sure my body will provide some excellent spare body parts. The sad things is that I know my life could have been a lot different, and a lot more positive, if only some one could have seen these warning signs and taken some effort to show me that they cared.
I am simply too obtuse and stupid to live. I can't relate to the world, I don't understand a lot of it either. People talk to me about things at work and due to my stupid memory I forget things. One of my co-workers has had to remind me of things that I just keep on stuffing up about. I don't know some times, I seem to have complete memory blanks about the things that he is reminding me of. Other times he reminds me and I only remember then that he has told me before. I worry about this a lot, because I kind of work in customer service, and try to give our customers the best service that I can. But I am not able to.
I think I am like a punching bay in many ways. Every time I stand up for my rights, some one comes along and hits me till I'm down again. I am allergic to cigarette smoke, it makes me vomit. A few days after making complaints about it at work I received two anonymous threats, one left on my car at home. I am also disabled, I have been dropped from a training course at work supposedly due to concerns about my disability. Yet there are no signs of any other training being provided. The training is essential to my job. If I don't have it I can be fired. I made the mistake of explaining this to the people involved. Big mistake. They want me fired I think.
I suppose I could talk about injustice in the world, but we all know a bit about that anyway.
Seen the movie Shrek? About the ugly ogre who falls in love with a beautiful princess? It is of course bullshit. No one sees inner beauty. They just see outer ugliness. I am very ugly.
For more than five years I have had to put up with constant harassment some people. They have spread lies and rumors about me far and wide, to the point that people who meet me for the first time have normally formed a negative opinion of me. I canít get a fair go. I get blamed for a myriad of things that I have nothing to do about. There is no point in defending myself because no one believes me. The extent of the lies He has spread have reached the point that people are conditioned into believing that I am a liar, and hence when I truthfully say I did not do something, that is then used as an example of me lying.
I can not win with them. I get blamed for comments other people make in my name on their web guest boards. I get blamed for comments that other people make. For example, there is a character other than me they donít like, that has been attributed to me. I had nothing to do with this person.
The people involved eagerly point out all of my faults, while ignoring their own.
He has persistently spread lies and rumors about me. He has made numerous threatening calls to me (Phone company even sent him a letter requesting him to stop this but they would not provide me with a copy of the letter to be used for an intervention order hearing). He has made threats to kill me, online and in person.
He is also very astute, in that most of the thing he does are not traceable to him. While people involved stickers were placed on my door and street signs outside of my flat, the police refused to take fingerprints from them. While some police were helpful in dealing with the problem, my local police were not. Contact with my local police over the issue resulted in them blaming me for the whole thing. I suppose they also believe that people who are raped ask for it. My local police also lied directly to me when they told me that Phone company were supposed to provide me with copies of letters they had sent to He over the threatening calls he had made to me.
The whole problem with this harassment is that it had been ongoing. While I try to keep a low profile, something always happens so that some bastard brings me into the spotlight again and the whole thing starts up again. It has been going on now for more than five years and I just can not handle it any more. I have made numerous approaches to He to try negotiate some sort of peace, but he always takes these as some sort of plot or ploy on my part. Heís always blaming me of having an ulterior motive. As he has probably attributed a lot of things to me that I had nothing to do with, he has built up an opinion of me based on his own paranoid and blind hate of me.
I have been forced to admit that the only way He or I are going to have any peace is if one of us dies. And even then, Iím sure the shit will still be going around for years to come. I have considered killing him, and the entire people involved, but Iím not a killer, and I donít want to be remembered for doing something like that. I have figured out 3 ways in which I could have killed them and most likely gotten away with it, but knowing my luck, I would be picked up straight away and spend the rest of my life in some prison where Iím sure Iíd be subject to all sorts of violence. In short, Iím not a violent person.
I have also considered just killing He, and then killing myself. But that would be wrong. So I have no choice but to die.
I had to move interstate just to get away from the guy, and still he uses the Internet and his shit lie filled magazine to harass me.
Even though I made the effort of putting myself through university, not once have anyone in my family ever said anything about being proud that I did it. Not one of the bastards. The only time anyone from my family ever bother to contact me is when they want money. Between them, members of my family owe me over $2000, none of whom show any sign of ever paying any of it back. My older brother stole my car and sold it for scrap just to spite me. My older sister borrowed a thousand dollars and lost it in a business that was mismanaged from day one. My mother borrowed money off of me and then tried to verbally abuse me and make me feel guilty when I refused to lend her more money. And I was not ever in a good financial situation myself.
It would have been nice if just once in their life that anyone of them could have ever said they were proud of my achievements.
Instead, I had to put up with an alcoholic and violent mother who often bashed us as children, and who constantly subjected us to verbal abuse and put downs. For years she told me that men were useless, that men were bastards and that all men were evil. Then she got pissed off and said I was anti social. What the hell did she expect? We were moving around from place to place as kids? What was the point of forming friendships? You would just loose them when you moved.
All of this is beyond my control, I canít do anything about it any more, and thereís no point even trying.
My life has been shit for just too long now. For a long time I have lived in the hope that my life will one day get better. But I have released that this is a false hope. My life has not gotten any better at all. If anything, it has gotten a lot worse. The continual harassment from He and the people involved remains. My financial situation has not improved, and in fact seems to be getting worse. My health has also not improved, certainly my teeth and tiredness seem to get a lot worse.
Reasons for living
I have no reason to live. I am not indispensable. The people at my work will get along just fine with me. They are nice people, some of the nicest people I have ever met, except for one who is a real bastard and thinks he has a right to treat people like me like shit.
My family will not care. They will argue over who gets what. It is my express wish that no person of my family ever be given a single thing that I own.