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My hopes for the future

Like everyone else I have dreams and aspirations for the future.

\My work companions don't know much of my past, and don't know that I have Gynecomastia. I did however tell my employer of this, as I was required to do a medical exam prior to employment. I have considered telling them, but even though they are the nicest people I have ever worked with, and all seem intelligent and up to date, I worry about what their reaction might be. I just want to be me, but I find it very hard to be me.

I would like to live a more feminine life if possible. The most feminine things in my life are normally not seen by others. This includes my underwear and night gown. But I also wear hair scrunchies because I have long hair. I used to try rubber bands but it hurt putting them into my hair. I would love to be able to wear ribbons or bows, but my workmates already tease me about my scrunchies occasionally.

I would also like to act more feminine and not be picked on over it. I don't mean flirting of getting involved in deep and meaningful girls talks. I mean less uncouth and 'butch'. Men swear a lot. I hate going to get my car fixed and have some man I don't know start mouthing off about this and that part of my car. They would never do that to a woman. Why expect that I would appreciate it? What's wrong with being gentle and kind? When I am gentle and kind the guys call me a wimp or a girly boy. One good friend commented that I was a bit 'poofy' because I own a teddy bear. He was not saying it to be unkind, but it is typical of the stereotyping of what is male behavior and female behavior

I often wish I could wear women's cloths to work, I occasionally wake up and realise that I have more dresses and skirts than trousers. It would make life much easier had I been born a girl. I also worry about what to wear in summer. My breasts have been getting bigger over the years and this summer I am worried that they will be very obvious. During summer I often wear a leotard under a T-shirt. As a consequence I can get very hot and drowsy. While attending university though, I did not bother hiding myself too much, so I'm sure some people must have realized I had large breasts. In university though, people are far more accepting.

I suppose that if I had the funds and resources that gender reassignment would be the choice for me. I don't enjoy my life as a male. But at the same time I wonder how successful it would be. I really don't look much like a woman. I'd hate to be something ugly and in between.

I suppose I would also be happy if I could live in a society that accepts me as being a male but a very feminine one. I would like to settle down with a woman who accepts me as I am and try raise a family. I don't know if I can have kids yet though. I find lack of intimate female friendship to cause me the greatest grief. I miss being able yo have conversations with women on a level that I did as a girl. I miss being able to just talk to any girl as though she was a life long friend. I really miss the comfort of sleeping against a girl. I have been very lonely for many years, and yet as I am shy, I find it very hard to make friends. I live in fear of growing old alone.

I really think I would like to meet a nice woman to love, but shyness is a big problem for me.